The Shenanigans of Harry Mason
by Minefields
Summary: Harry is taking his daughter to rehab when he gets distracted by a leprechaun and falls of a cliff. Now he must fight against horrible creatures and interact with an assortment of strange personalities in order to find his wasted daughter.
1. A Mockery

**Version 1.7.96**

*

Harry was rolling down the hill in his rusted jeep. The engine had failed a while back and he was just glad that for the last 10 minutes the road had been slanting downwards. 'No wonder' he thought, 'the entire car is only held together by sunflower seeds and extra virgin olive oil_'._

His daughter, Cheryl was asleep beside him. At least he thought she was asleep. For all he knew she could be in a coma that was accounted to all the "sugar" she found in their basement.

"Stupid bitch, taking my stash like that. I should push her out right now" he muttered to himself.

That's why they were going to a rehabilitation clinic. Where it was, Harry didn't know. He was just driving around in the vague hope that he'd find one.

Turning on the radio, he saw a woman on a bike. Seconds later he realized it was a police bike and he screamed, hoping she wouldn't pull him over and find the 10kg of amphetamines in the trunk. Thankfully she moved to the side of his car. She blew him a kiss before speeding off.

"Oh I see. Teasing me, huh? Well two can play at that game"

He sped up and smashed into the motorcycle. It spun out of control and fell off a nearby cliff.

"Haha! Oooh, Burn!" He cackled. The fact that his engine was broken a second before did not occur to him.

Turning up the radio, he celebrated his victory with "Another one bites the dust" by Queen. He suddenly remembered who he was and began violently bashing the dashboard with his head to try and get the tune out of his head. Luckily, the song ended soon after that and harry resumed driving with only a minor head injury.

Suddenly a silhouette appeared in the middle of the road. As Harry got closer he saw it more clearly: It was a Leprechaun. Harry grinned wildly, with a crazy look in his eyes and blood pouring down his face. A passerby would have thought that Harry was an escapee from the local mental hospital and had abducted Cheryl as an act of defiance against the flying green buffalos that imprisoned him in their cave of DOOM.

"Aww, you wanna play chicken? Well guess what, so do I!"

He put the car into Top gear, managing to make at least 15 km per hour. The jeep throbbed with the pressure of going so fast. Just when he was about to hit the shadowy figure, the radio played the first dissonant chord of a Britney spears song and promptly exploded. Harry screamed like a girl and swerved the car, falling off the same cliff the cop had. Irony took a long hard guffaw before returning to their game of poker. _Strip poker ;)._

*

Harry, upon waking up, checked his injuries. The only ones he had were a result of listening to bad music. Gazing around he noticed Cheryl wasn't in the car. And if Cheryl wasn't in the car…

"OH SHIT MY STASH!" Harry bawled and checked the back of his car. It was gone….even the bits that fell out and stuck into the carpeting and no matter how hard you vacuumed it they were there, had gone. He screamed once more, and fell to the ground sobbing, rocking gently backwards and forwards.

"She has the drugs…I'm screwed….Just like the time with with the lollipop salesman in the janitor's closet." He then realised what he had said and looked around. The only thing he saw was a rabbit reciting shakespeare with an equally furry friend. He sighed with relief and-

"WAIT A MINUTE!" he screeched. "That rock looks suspicious!" Picking it up he examined it thoroughly.

"Hmm. I've got my eye on you, strangely colored stone!" And with those words our hero began his journey.

*

Harry ran into the town and saw his extremely high daughter.

"You know, I bet if a plumber and a wild turkey had sex it would make a monster worthy of Pyramid Head." She said and fell into a gutter.

"Cheryl!" Screeched Harry in annoying tone "I am your father, and as your father I order you to stop revealing Team Silent's secrets!"

"DO YOU MIND?" Screamed a flying green Buffalo "SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!"

"Oh…ok" Whimpered Harry and walked off, trying to conceal the large stain spreading in his pants.

He then remembered Cheryl and turned around to see her running into an alleyway. He ran after her, turned the corner and ran into a fence, breaking his nose and losing a couple of teeth.

"Great. There go my days of snorting coke in the Laundromat with Pedro". (Cue Laugh track)…

Harry then fell to his knees and started sobbing. He stayed this way for three hours. When he finally decided he should move he opened the gate, having the sense not to crash into it again. It was here that his sense failed him (as it often did) and he tripped and landed head first in the carcass of some dead animal.

"Eww gross!" he moaned. "Who the hell would throw this out onto the street? More to the point, who was even eating this!? It looks like it should have been extinct for millions of years!"

Wiping the blood out of his eyes he continued onwards, down the jagged path with the twisting camera angles. This confused him so much that he eventually fell over. Again. Upon getting up he realised two things. The sky had suddenly turned pitch black, and a siren was blaring in the distance. Putting two and two together, he worked out what was happening.

"Oh my sweet gentle Jesus! Those scheming Japanese, seeking redemption for past failures, have put their greatest seamstresses together and made a huge tarpaulin to block all light from western civilization! And, worst of all, I've turned into a Christian Fundamentalist!" He paused for a second as if expecting God to strike him down for his fallacy in logic. He didn't and Harry sighed with relief. He then noticed something on the ground. It was a note. Picking it up, it read:

_Dear loser_

_Since you took so long to get here I've gone. I'm not gonna tell you where though so you can blunder on like an idiot, getting mobbed by a couple of midgets and waking up to the sight of a totally hot cop who is willing to put out to anyone. Apart from you because you might just be the biggest idiot on earth and legally retarded. Just like Peter Griffin._

_P.S. DAMN HE'S WICKED FUNNY!!!!!_

_P.P.S. Lol_

_P.P.P.S. Actually He's an idiot. Just like you._

_P.P.P.P.S. Just go to the school. I can't be bothered to wait around for your sorry ass. _

_Love Cheryl_

"She's at the school huh?" Harry said slowly to himself. He processed this information with a confused look on his face. This look quickly turned to one of pain.

"Damn! Thinking hurts…I know, I'll forget about all of this and continue forwards!"

He did so and came across a hospital gurney. Peering under it he gasped.

"Jim Carrey! Well I guess he kinda does deserve it. I mean he had his good moments but seriously: Liar Liar? Dumb and dumber? BRUCE ALMIGHTY? I mean, how many mediocre, generic comedy films can one guy star in?"

The horror wasn't over though. He turned round only to be faced with the most depraved, violent and sick sight of his life. It almost made him want to gouge his own eyes out. It was Leonardo Dicaprio, hung to the wall like Jesus Christ himself.

"Hey! Who would mock my newfound beliefs so openly? Who would end the life of such a distinguished actor, whose movies touched the hearts of so many? Why Jehovah, Why?"

He then heard a noise. It was the noise usually made by those who couldn't speak proper English, so they had to resort to using a string of unintelligible words, numbers and symbols to try and communicate. Of course no one understood just what the hell they were saying, so they were usually branded as freaks and shunned.

It was a midget wearing a blue Nike tracksuit with a pocket protector. He was also holding an ice cream.

"1 |/\|1|| |4|/\||/| j00 |/|008!!!!!11111oneoneeleven". The midget uttered menacingly

"Err…sorry what was that?"

"||-|34|\ |\/|3!"

"You're not really a midget, are you? You're just a 12 year old AOL Noob!"

"1 4|\/| 1337!!"

By this time Harry was starting to get annoyed.

"Please could you just speak in English? I mean is it so much to ask for intelligent conversation rather than throwing around a couple of stock phrases and generic insults?"

The midget responded to this by dropping the ice cream and lunging for Harry's crotch.

"Ahh!" Said Harry, flailing about in a futile attempt to get it off "That is not cool! I don't swing that way! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET HARRY JR. GO!"

Harry then passed out from the shock of the impromptu castration.


	2. Heaven is a Whorehouse

Thanks for the review, Rand(y)man. And for the rest of you, don't be scared of the review button. God shall smile upon you if you do..^^

*

Harry woke suddenly, rising up and smashing his face into a table. He did this five more times until he realised his mistake. Getting up and looking around, he noticed he was in a diner of some sort. He also saw a woman sitting on one of the benches, laughing hysterically.

"Oh man that was hilarious! I mean, I positioned you there so you might do it once but you did it five times!"

She continued chuckling for the next 10 minutes while Harry waited patiently. When she stopped he said:

"Oh thank god, I thought you were having a heart attack. My Sister had one of those once. It was Sunday, and we were just about to have a quickie behind the Kwik-E-Mart and…" The woman looked at him strangely "What? Don't say you've never had a quickie behind the Kwik-E-Mart before?"

"No. I have never done that. It might be the fact that I'm not into the whole incest thing, or it might be because Kwik-E-Mart doesn't even exist."

"But what about all those 7-eleven stores that turned into Kwik-E-Marts?"

"They were just for promotion."

"Oh" said Harry "well that sucks." Another 10 minutes of awkward silence passed before Harry asked:

"Have you seen a little girl? Just turned seven last month…short, black hair?"

"Oh yeah, that narrows it down loads."

"I thought so too…" Harry responded jovially.

"Wow, you are a moron!" The woman then considered something. "Actually I did see a girl like that. She was skipping down the road with this other girl shouting something a smokeout. I was going to go and investigate like an upstanding law enforcement unit, but...but…."

She stopped suddenly and punched him in the face. Harry fell to the ground, crying.

"SHUT UP! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF MURDERING THEM AND LEAVING THEIR BODIES IN A DITCH BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WHILST TAKING THEIR REMAINING STASH AND PROCEEDING TO GET WASTED? I AM AN UPSTANDING MEMBER OF THE LAW AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING SPOKEN TO IN SUCH A MANNER!" She screamed.

"But I didn't say anything" said harry, whimpering against a corner.

"You didn't? Oh that's alright then." She said "sorry about that, I just can't stand being disrespected. It makes me do things like this" she said, pulling out a gun and shooting him in the leg. Harry screamed and huddled further in the corner, sobbing.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH!" He howled "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?"

"Calm down, it's not that bad."

"NOT THAT BAD? YOU JUST SHOT ME IN THE FRICKIN' LEG!"

She pulled him to his feet and slapped him. "You're getting hysterical! Now I want you to stop crying like a teeny girl, and drink this." The woman said, handing him a health drink. Harry did so and heard a chorus of angelic voices whilst the wound on his leg magically disappeared.

"Wow this is almost as bad as the healing system of a final fantasy game" Harry muttered to himself.

"Tell me about it. Anyway my name's Cybil Bennet. I'm a cop from Brahms. There have been reports of some strange goings on in this town. I haven't seen anything myself, but some asshole pushed my bike of a cliff so I can't get back".

"Oh..." Harry said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head nervously "Who would do that? Some people, huh?"

"I'll tell you who" she said, lighting a cigar and jamming it between her teeth. "It's one of those wishy-washy liberals. Probably a writer-"at this word she stopped, shuddering, before she continued: "-as well. Anyway this scene's gone on way too long. Here's a gun. I hope you blow your brains out" She said walking towards the door.

"Aren't you scared I'm going to shoot you?"

Cybil laughed "No! You're such a retard that I'd be more worried if you were facing the other way when you shot." Harry immediately spun around and pulled the trigger, smashing the glass window of the diner.

"HEY! It didn't work!"

"Of course it didn't work! Jeez, Harry I know you're an asinine, stupid, moronic, unintelligent, illiterate, mindless, idiotic and hopefully impotent fool, I mean come on, you even make Mr. Bean look like a smart, attractive and well liked member of society, but how the hell could you have the slightest hope of making that work?"

"Well lady, you can mock me all you want, but just remember" said Harry, assuming a heroic pose "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me! YOU MAY TAKE MY FREEDOM BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY PRIDE! NO MORE MR. NICE GUY! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" He screamed, unzipping his trousers. It was too late though because Cybil was gone.

"Damn, why do they always leave at that part? All except my Father…"

Harry scanned the diner for any useful items. This took well over an hour and by the time he had finished he had amassed a Rolex watch, a map of silent hill, a condom, 3 health drinks, several copies of playboy, and a pokéball. He was just about to leave when he heard an erotic sound.

"Is that you, Aunt Patricia?" Harry said, searching for the source. He then noticed a portable TV. It was playing what appeared to be the local adult station. "Sweet!" He said, sitting down to watch. However a couple of seconds later the glass window on the opposite side of the diner shattered and a looming presence entered.

"Oh I see so it was you who was making the noise." Said the flying green buffalo "When you first started screaming and shit, it woke me up, so I thought I'd leave a friendly notice to you, thinking it would clear everything up. 2 hours later and I'm just about to fall asleep again when I hear gunshots! GUNSHOTS!" Screamed an obviously hysterical buffalo. "NOW I ASK YOU, IF YOU WANNA GO TO SLEEP SO YOU CAN GET UP IN THE MORNING AND HAVE LUNCH WITH ANTONIO, BUT INSTEAD YOU'RE KEPT AWAKE BY SOME ASSHOLE SMASHING WINDOWS AND FIRING GUNS IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO HUH?" He roared, covering Harry with spit.

"Wh-What about the cave of doom? Doesn't anyone even remember that?"

"WHAT THE FUCK? I'M TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLES AND WINDOWS AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME CAVE BULLSHIT I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT!? HHHHNNNNNNNNEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!" Bellowed the Buffalo, and promptly exploded with anger.

"Wow" said Harry, covered in entrails. "That was lucky. Hey, this TV isn't playing She bangs the drums anymore! I'd better bring it with me in case in gets more reception elsewhere." And with that he skipped out of the diner and into the street.

*

Upon leaving the diner he immediately noticed the light sky. "Oh, so they surrendered then? Aaaahh, when will those silly Japanese learn not to put themselves in situations where they can't win?" he said condescendingly, waving a finger at his imaginary companion.

"I know, Harry. It's just plain stupid" said a parrot flying next to him. "Just like you!"

"Wow, how pathetic must I be? Even my imaginary friends are mocking me! But there's no time to dwell on these depressing thoughts", he said, donning a cape and spandex leotards, "I must find Cheryl! Even against all odds, even when times seem so bleak I can't go on, Even when I'm being shot in the leg by a crazy police officer, even when I'm falling into animal carcasses, even when those n00blet midgets eat my privates, and…* He petered out and stared at the grey surroundings of Silent hill and said "Actually fuck this. I can't be bothered. I'm going home."

Harry walked to the end of Bachman road, where he found his car. The front was crumpled and the remains of the engine were pouring out a light smoke.

"Never mind! I'm sure it will still work!" said Harry optimistically, climbing into the car. He got out the key and inserted it into the ignition. The car spluttered and whined, but eventually started.

"OH YEAH!" Shouted Harry "Finally my luck is holding out! Finally I can get out of this decaying town! Finally-OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT" Harry screamed as the car split in half. Harry jumped out of the car and kicked it "DAMMIT JESUS! Why is it that ever since I converted to you, my life has been even more screwed up?" Harry said. A light shone down from the Heavens and engulfed Harry, and a man appeared with it.

"Don't be mad, Harry" said Jesus "Everyone who's Christian gets a poorer deal than the rest of society. They spend their whole lives in worship of me – guess what happens when they find out I'm a mindless drunk, and Heaven is actually a whorehouse? Boy, let me tell you, it is HILARIOUS!" he said, stumbling to Harry and putting an arm around him. "You know, it was actually me who killed Franz Ferdinand?"

"So" said Harry, having an epiphany "All wars and other major world vices are actually caused by you?"

"Hell yeah" said Jesus, lighting a joint.

"Wow, Thanks for the perspective, Jesus."

"No problem, bro" said Jesus, who promptly disappeared.

*

It took Harry the next five hours to figure out all the exits to town were blocked. Harry wandered around the town wondering where the hell to go until he came another note on the ground.

_Greenhouse on Levin Street. _

"Now I wonder what kind of fucked up, Lovecraftian monster I'll meet in there?" he queried, his mind coming up with various resident evil esque plants, strangling the life out of him. "Stupid Mark!" He cried, walking to the greenhouse, "He's so useless! And fat! And have you seen his shooting stance?" Rolling his eyes he continued "PUH-LEAAAASE who does he think he is? A sumo wrestler?" His diatribe was cut short however by the portable TV turning on again.

"Oh Yeah...Touch it like that…Wow I didn't know that could bend back so far" Harry muttered to himself then noticed the manifestation of his greatest fears stood right before him. "OH MY FRIGGEN GOD IS THAT A BULBASAUR?" He shrieked, pulling out his gun and emptying it on the malformed creature. He paused, listening for any sign that the creature was still alive. When nothing stirred, he said "YEAH! Go back to those occultist cartoons! I don't trust anything that promotes creationism!" Pride for dispatching such heresy filled him, until he noticed the blank TV screen and growled with frustration.

*

After much careful searching of the greenhouse he came across a key and after another five hours of wandering across Silent Hill, he ascertained the location for the door it opened was right next to the greenhouse. Cursing himself for his stupidity, he entered the homely suburban house. Walking across to the back door he noticed it had three locks. _Keys to Eclipse _was inscribed in the wall, and Harry examined this, trying to make it seem like he could actually read. After a couple of minutes he gave up.

"To hell with this!" he cried and kicked the door down. "See that was a much more logical course of action!" he said triumphantly.

He then jumped as the sky turned back again, and ran down the road screaming something about VJ day. Harry then noticed a school looming ahead.

"I can seek shelter there!" he thought to himself. He was almost there when another Bulbasaur stepped in his path. Harry responded to this by shooting it. It fell over dead.

"HA! Even the power of the devil can't bend against the will of GOD! In fact-" Harry cut out as the creature stood up again. In then glowed white and began to grow.

"The power of Christ compels you! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" Harry shrieked, waving his imaginary cross in the air. "PLEASE GOD STOP THIS HEINOUS CREATURE!" These pleas held no effect though, and the Bulbasaur continued to grow. The process continued until it flashed and stars flew in the air around the creatures form. The light faded to reveal creatures with a red, dragon- like body and a tail with a flame. It was a charizard.

"OH COME ON, HOW IS THAT FAIR?" Screamed Harry "Bulbasaurs don't even evolve into charizards!"

The charizard roared and spat fire at him. Harry rolled to the side, panting.

"Fuck! This reminds me of that time at the circus!" Before an overly-long and unnecessary flashback sequence could occur, Harry was once again dodging the flames of the dragon. He then remembered something of vital importance.

"Hell yeah! I knew this would come in handy!" He said holding the pokéball he had acquired back at the diner. Chucking it at the Charizard, it opened and sucked it inside before falling to the ground. The pokéball bounced from side to side as the Charizard tried to escape, whilst Harry held his breath. Tense music played in the background. The ball bounced….and bounced…and bounced. Harry got dizzy watching it and fell over, and still it bounced. Finally Harry got mad, shouted "Hurry the fuck up" and kicked it into a wall, where it bounced one last time before stopping.

"YES! I CAUGHT..." Harry yelled, holding up the pokéball and shoving a red baseball cap on his head. "…CHARIZARD!"

He then waltzed up to the school doors and opened them. He walked in, and suddenly the doors slammed shut behind him. A midget pointed at him and screeched with laughter.

"|-|/\|-|/\|-|/\!"

"HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY!" cried Harry.

*

**How will harry get himself out of this?**

**How many more relatives can Harry say he slept with?**

**Will Batman join Harry to Queer things up (as if we needed more of that)?**

**Find out the answers to these questions and more on the next chapter of: Silent Hill: The "Special" Version!**


	3. The Sun Does Burn

**This SO wasn't meant to take a month to complete. I wrote about half of it 3 days after the last chapter, then I went on a crazed shopping spree that kept me occupied until last week. Well at least I learned some valuable lessons.**

**1) Never buy Final Fantasy 7 For the PC, unless you're American.**

**2) Windows Vista sucks. Srsly.**

**And the usual punctuality crap. **

**Remember: Review or you'll suddenly find yourself with some cannibalistic tribe in the middle of the Pacific. **

*

"|-|/\|-|/\|-|/\!" laughed the midget.

"You may laugh but just remember I have a friggen gun!" And with these words he shot the half-crazed, disease ridden creature.

"Hahaha!" Harry laughed in imitation of the midget "There will be no more chomping of my crown jewels today! I tell you, this is the last time you'll be munching on my meat and two veg in a while! Say good bye to your days of indulging yourself on my trouser snake! And-"

"Shut up, you pansy" announced a bold voice.

"Who's that?" Harry gasped.

"It is me, Batman!" He moved from the shadows of the room into the view of Harry.

"Oh wow. I thought the author was joking on the whole Batman part, but obviously he just wants this story to sink to the depths of homosexuality for a cheap laugh."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I just wonder how it feels to be the pin up boy for all for all sorts of homoerotic fantasies. I mean, even Fredric Wertham thinks you're gay, and he's a psychologist, so he should know."

"You can't call me gay! I'm Batman!"

"Oh sure; you save the world millions of times in various ways, each time more asinine that the last, and what's more you do it with that queer Robin. I have every right to call you gay."

Batman gasped "As if you do! Your story is just as stupid and gay as mine!"

"No it isn't!"

"Oh really? How about when that buffalo exploded? How about when you got shot in the leg and got healed by a bottle of what was most likely urine? How about when you converted to Christianity even though you break just about every commandment? How about-"

"Ok, I get the picture. Jeez, rant much?"

"Ok, now that we've got that out of the way, we should work together to dispatch all these monsters, right?" Batman said eagerly.

"Err…yeah, right" Harry said cautiously. The look in Batman's eyes reminded him of that time he had seen his mother set the house on fire in a drunken rage. No one had got out alive. Apart from him, obviously, because he had grown fire-resistant ever since that time his father had made him eat 678 Naga Jolokias in a row.

*

In the next room, the duo came across a bunch of papers scattered across a desk that made up the reception.

"A-HA!" Shouted Batman "A CLUE!" Holding one of the papers out to Harry he said "Why don't you read this?"

"No thanks, that's okay" said Harry earnestly.

"No, No, I insist!"

"I really couldn't".

"It's fine, just take them".

"You're the one who found it, why don't you read it?" Harry growled.

"Because I can't read!"

"Well neither can I!" Shouted Harry.

A full 10 seconds passed before Batman doubled over, laughing hysterically.

"Can't read? What kind of moron school did you go to?"

"What the hell? You just said you couldn't read either!"

Well I was lying. In truth I just couldn't be bothered to read it. But now, because your such an ignoramus, I suppose I'll do it" Batman huffed. "Must I do everything myself?"

"Dude, this is the first time you've had to do anything for me."

"Shut up! SHUT UP!" cried batman "Do you want to find out what we have to do or not?"

"Ok, go ahead."

"It says something in here about acquiring a golden sun and a silver moon."

"How the hell are we meant to get that? I mean, the moon would be hard enough, we'd have to train for years to become astronauts and then utilise some sort of lasso method to drag it down here, but if we try that on the sun we'll get burned."

Batman slapped him. "That was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard! So idiotic that it just might work!" Batman said with another crazy look in his eyes.

_A slide show plays in which Batman flies to the moon and tries to move it, but to no avail. He then tries it on the sun and so gets burned, and everyone laughs at him for being a douche. _

"Wow you're right Harry" said Batman, musing upon his failings "the sun does burn. Even Badass heroes such as me!"

"The only thing _bad _about you is…..well everything. You suck!"

"I'm not the one who took those definitions literally! The Golden sun and silver moon are obviously pieces of some obscure puzzle that someone hid in the school."

"If you knew that than why did you try to move them?"

"Who's to say that I did? I could've just pretended to!"

Harry regarded Batman. "You were a loser in high school, weren't you?"

"You'd better believe it" said batman, winking. Harry felt sick.

"Yeah… so can you use your powers to get the items and avoid this fucking stupid puzzle?"

Batman looked at him like he was a moron. "Are you a retard? Haven't you ever watched Batman?"

"Na, I was more of a superman kid. Gee, if he were here I'd probably be at home right now drinking tea and yelling at my wife to make me a fucking a ham sandwich. I mean, she's dead now, but superman could revive her. Superman can do everything, unlike batman who can do nothing" said Harry. Batman growled.

"All right stop kissing ass man. I mean, what, are you gay or something? Come on, we have to find these puzzle pieces."

*

After some time and several midget attacks later they did just that.

"Check it out" called harry "I found the Silver moon and the Golden sun." A TV screen suddenly materialized out of nowhere and played a scene of two teenagers arguing.

"_We've got to stop Saturos and Mernardi, Isaac!" said the first, a brown haired girl._

"_Screw that." Said Isaac "I can't be bothered. How about we have a threesome with Mia instead?"_

"_What?" _

"_You know what, forget Mia. How about we do it with Felix instead" said Isaac._

"_But he's my brother!"_

"_I know" said Isaac, winking. Jenna Fainted._

"_Oooh necrophilia, huh? I am SO up for that"_

The TV screen then vanished and silence filled the air.

"What the fuck was that?" said Batman. "This place is more messed up than I thought. It is going to take the very limit of my power to overcome this!"

"What the fuck, dude? Quit being so screwy! Either you have powers or you don't!" Said Harry, slapping him.

"Ow! You bitch" said Batman, rubbing his cheek. "Fine let's go."

The duo entered the clock tower, and Batman tensed.

"The mechanics of this place…it's a portal leading to the otherworld."

"The what?"

"The otherworld. It is a place of great evil, a hell on earth, a manifestation of everyone's greatest fear."

"Oh, so Barbara Streisand will be there?"

"Naturally. But it also contains things of much greater evil."

The two pondered whether that was actually possible. Then Harry had another thought, and for once it was actually a smart one.

"Wait, if it's so bad, why are we going there?"

"We must find Cheryl! Think how scared she must be!" said Batman, attempting to show some vestige of heroism. He failed.

"You know Cheryl?"

"Yeah, she came by here earlier. She and a girl named Alessa. The sweetest kids ever. She told me you were an asshole though, and I should kick you in the balls. Hey! I knew I forgot something!" Batman said, pulling back his leg and directing a football style kick right into Harry's wedding tackle.

"Eeek! My Gonads!" Screamed Harry, rolling around on the floor.

"You know, it's funny how you accuse me of being gay, when everyone knows only Butt buddies say Eek."

"Screw. You" said Harry in panted breaths

"It quite ironic how you initially labelled me as a sausage jockey, when it is actually you who appears closer to being an ass pirate."

"I'm. Going. To. Fucking. Kill. You."

"It's fucking hilarious that you called me a rump ranger, and now it turns out that you're a donkey detective."

"Enough with the gay jokes, retard" said harry, having successfully recovered from the devastating blow "You kicked me in the damn wang. What the hell did you expect, you god damned Uphill farmer? You know what, fuck you batman, I'm out of here. I hope you die."

"NO HARRY DON'T GO!"

"Why the fuck not? All you've done since we've been together is been a complete and utter dumbass."

"I know that, and I'm sorry, but there's something you have to know Harry" Batman said, his breathing turning deep. He put his hand on Harry shoulder and continued "I am your father."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD" Screamed Harry, pulling out his gun and shooting Batman in the head. He then considered doing the same thing to himself but then reasoned with himself in frantic whispers "No, there's no way that can be true. I remember my Daddy, and there's no way he wouldn't have asked for at least one quickie. No of course not." He sighed with relief and exited the clock tower.

*

"Argh!" said Harry upon taking yet another wrong turn and coming face to face with yet another iron mesh wall blocking the exit. Several midgets lurked in the shadows, clutching their battered Psp's like a Jew to their gold.

"You think he would've learned that theirs no escape by now. I mean he has been wandering around here for about three days" one said, flicking a curly brown fringe out of his face.

"Shouldn't we go after him?" said another, viewing the scene with apathy. The first one's eyes flicked back to his Psp.

"No way dude. I'm nearly on level 256 of Pac man."

"The original or a remake?"

"The Original."

"Then that means…OH CRAP" They both screamed as the Psp exploded.

"Wait, why did it do that? I thought the screen was just meant to mess up."

"Yeah I know, but I thought it'd be funny if I attached a bomb to it."

"Why..?"

"Because, um... hey look over there! It's Kate Winslet riding a seal naked!"

"Huh? You mean an actual GIRL?" said the second midget, floundering about wildly.

"Hahaha" The curly-fringed one chuckled"…gets them every time."

*

Harry ran into another room. The last thing he had heard was an explosion, so being the pansy he was, he ran away. Upon examining the room he had entered he found a multitude of phones on a desk in the middle of the room. After thoroughly checking the aforementioned phones he ascertained that they were defiantly NOT plugged in. However, upon leaving the room all the phones rang at the same time causing Harry to scream and bash his head into the door frame. Walking back to the desk, he reached for one of the receivers and held it up to his ear only to tear it away again when met with a high pitched shriek.

"YO BOI! WAZZUP?!"

"Who is this?" responded Harry, bewildered.

"Think Harry. Someone with a certain drug habit and an annoying voice."

"…Pete Doherty?"

"EY! You did not just compare me to that talentless motherfucker!"

"Sorry, that was a bit harsh."

"You're damn right it was. Anyway I'm just calling to say I'm not at the school anymore. I met this guy with a peg-leg and he told me about this wicked party down the road. I'm just about to get there."

"You WHAT? Why is it that I've been trawling for days in the depths of hell while you've been partying and getting high?"

"Ha-ha, ain't it hilarious? It's almost as if I've been planning this for…" Cheryl paused for dramatic effect whilst several storm clouds gathered around her "…SEVEN YEARS."

"Have you?"

"Lol, no. Seriously, I don't know what you're talking about with all this hell crap. Silent Hill is sweet! Me and Alessa have been stoned for at least 18 hours and no one even looks twice at us. Come to think of it, no one looks at all."

"...Who's Alessa?"

"Alessa? She's my homie! My Dawg! And she sure as hell ain't the being that astral projected me into existence after being burned by her mother as an attempt to birth the god that resided inside her, effectively splitting her soul in two, one half being me of course, and therefore prompting her mother to cast a spell to bring the second half of aforementioned soul back to the first, thus intensifying Alessa's psychic powers and allowing her to spread her own nightmarish world across the town of Silent Hill."

Harry, having no idea what half the words in that sentence even meant, decided he would use his sharp wit to diffuse the situation and make him seem like he had the faintest idea just what his daughter was talking about.

"Haha" He blurted "You said boobies."

"Dammit Harry, you're a retard" she screamed and hung up.

"Hey, whad'ya have to go and say that for?" he said into the receiver, before realising she'd hung up. His eyes filled with tears and he ran off crying, but not before smashing his head on the doorway again.

*

"_Dammit!_" Harry thought to himself _"I wish I hadn't shot Batman. I mean he was gayer than a high school musical movie but at least I'd have someone to boss around."_

He examined the drab grey walls of the school as his mind tried to formulate a plan to try and get out. So far it seemed he had only one option-Release that heretic creature he had caught back in chapter 2, and then get it to burn the school down. Then the entirety of Silent Hill, and then the world! Fuck his religion, it never did him any good anyway. Holding the pokéball above his head he screamed "Charizard! I choose you!"

The dragon stood, arms crossed, demonstrating its mighty pride. It glared at him for a second before saying:

"Yo bruv, you iz wanting my servizes, izzit?"

"Err, yeah, you could say that" said Harry, nervous at such a strange accent. I mean, come on it was a fucking Japanese Cartoon dragon, the least he expected was some broken down Engrish.

"Yer, well forget it. Therez no way Charizard doez NETHING withowt a' least 3 million badgez stuck t' yer shirt. So FECK OFF!!" It said, before turning and smacking him in the face with its tail and retreating down the corridor.

"That _ain't_ good" Harry mused to himself.

*

Harry spent the next day and a half looking for the charizard (Making his stay in silent hill a duration of 4 days and 9 hours), but couldn't find it no matter where he looked. The first place he had looked had been the roof, just in case it had flown away, but it wasn't anywhere in sight. What was though had been rather disturbing.

_Harry opened the door to the sight of two silver anthropoids poking a green amorphous blob with a stick. _

"_Why won't it move, Vlad? We were sent here to investigate the possibility of humans developing psychic energy, but the motherfucking prober won't work" Said one in a heavy Russian accent. _

"_I don't know why it won't move. We'd better inform Colonel Garlukevich."_

"_No, don't do that. That communist bastard would probably just crash the mothership." _

"_You're right. He's such a communist. Bastard." _

"_Wow!" said Harry "I always knew Russians were aliens!" The aliens jumped at this, but then laughed menacingly._

"_Haha, What a communist" they chorused, and reached towards him._

He'd woken up with the words _"I am Garlukevich's gay lover" _scribbled on his forehead. Now, hours later he stood before the only place he hadn't searched yet. The basement. He made to descend the stairs slowly to make as little noise as possible. Of course this being Harry he tripped and fell down them instead, possibly alerting the whole town as to exactly where he was.

Standing up and brushing himself off he surveyed his surroundings. He seemed to be in a room completely empty except for a pyre burning a corpse located in the middle. On further inspection he noticed a huge creature sitting in the corner of the room.

"Hey y'all! Ah'm a motherfucking great big lizard and Ah eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!" announced the creature.

"Haha, you eat shit?" said harry.

"Why, yes ah believe ah do!" said the lizard with a toothy grin.

"Gross, man. You haven't happened to seen a charizard around here have you?"

"Why yes, Ah do believe ah had the pleasure of meeting one yesterday. We didn't really get along, though" it said, pointing towards the pyre.

"Whoa dude, you burned a _charizard?_"

"Yeah. Unfortunately that fire doesn't last forever, and it gets mighty cold down here, so Ah'm afraid that you're next."

"So it's never occurred to you that you could just leave?"

"Now that's just crazy talk" said the lizard, shaking its head "Now hold still so Ah can bust yo' cracka ass."

It looked like it was all was lost for Harry. Reflecting upon his situation, the only thing he regretted was not getting a piece of that fine Cop-ass from back in the diner. He closed his eyes as he waited for death to come. But then…

"I'LL SAVE YOU HARRY!" screeched an effeminate voice. Harry opened his eyes and gasped.

"Batman...?"

"Yes, it is me, Batman!" And with these words the gay superhero used his mighty powers to conjure up a black hole, sucking the lizard into the depths of oblivion. The hellish environment began shifting back to normal, marked with another wave of Japanese bombers passing overhead.

"What? Batman? No way dude, I killed you! And I thought you didn't have any powers? AND WILL SOMEONE TELL THE FUCKING JAPANESE THAT THE WAR IS OVER?!" screamed harry.

"Wow, Harry you need to chill" said Batman "come over to my place, and we can sort everything out" said Batman with a wink. Harry stared at him in horror.

"Haha, what a pair of homos" cackled a voice from the corner of the room. Harry and Batman turned around to find a leprechaun leaning against the wall. Noticing that he'd just brought attention to himself, he jumped and muttered "Christ, they've stolen me lucky charms!" and ran off.

"Aww" cooed Batman "What an adorable thing!"

Harry had had enough. No one should be allowed to be that gay. He raised his gun to Batman's head, emptying the clip. He then cut the body into a thousand pieces and buried each one of them in a different location of the school yard.

"_Try and survive that one, you bastard" _Harry thought to himself.

A bell from a nearby church started to ring. Harry tensed up. Just who the hell was ringing that bell?

*

**10 Gold Stars for anyone who got that Golden Sun reference.**


	4. Afro Lady & Awesome Kaufmann

**For the two month anniversary since the last chapter, I made a new one. I'm good at that.**

*

The Church stood proudly in the middle of the town, dominating all other buildings with its massive height. Obscured in the fog, it looked like the only beacon of hope from the demonic maze that lay outside. It also had a fucking loud bell that was deafening to everyone in a 400 mile radius.

Our hero was stumbling down the sidewalk towards the church, hands clamped against his ears in a futile attempt to block out the noise. Reaching the church door, he opened it swiftly and entered. Upon doing so the sound of the bell immediately petered out.

"_Whoa, that's some insulation"_ Harry thought.

Looking around the church, he noticed a woman dressed in filthy rags with wiry grey hair sticking up into an Afro.

"BWAHAHAHA, Gyromancy!" She declared with a booming voice.

"Huh?" said Harry, confused as always.

"It was foretold by…"

"Prophecy?"

"No, Gyromancy. The ancient and powerful art of spinning in a circle."

Harry pondered this. Or at least he pretended to. In actuality he was imagining 3000 tacos dancing the salsa.

"Haha, What a pun" he chuckled to himself. He looked up to see Afro lady looking at him strangely. "Err, well that is….Have you seen a little girl around here?"

"Nothing is to be gained by floundering about at random." She then slapped him around the face before continuing: "FOLLOW THE PATH, YOU BASTARD" She screamed and started to strangle him.

"What Path?" Harry gasped, trying to figure out why this always happened to him.

"The path of the hermit, concealed by flauros!" Saying this she immediately released Harry and went to the church's altar, pulling out a pyramid-shaped object with a parrot inside:

"Here, the flauros, the birdcage of peace!"She said, offering it to Harry. Harry took the flauros, and examined the parrot.

"Aww, how cute!" he said, leaning in to get a closer look. The bird took this opportunity to lean over and chomp his nose.

"It sure is!" said Dahlia "Although I feel I have to warn you, I've had it for two years and during that time all I've fed it is the bodies of those little fuckers that were trying to expand the town. It's grown quite the taste of human flesh."

"Oh, thanks bitch" said Harry, with half his nose missing and blood pouring down his face.

"No problem!" She said, hitting Harry over the head with a shovel and knocking him out. A couple of hours later he came to again, stood up and said:

"Hey lady! I'm Tired of getting pushed around! I could take the beatings from that cop, because she was hot, and from Batman because he was a significant cultural icon-"

"What are you talking about? You killed me!" said Batman

"QUIET BATMAN, THE MEN ARE TALKING!" Harry said, once again felling the seemingly indestructible superhero with his seldom used but never empty gun, "Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, I'm tired of all you damn kids running on lawn! It ruins all my pretty flowers!" The announcement washed across the church, leaving everyone inside with a vast sense of spiritual and emotional well being. Of course seeing as only Harry and the parrot were the only things that were capable of hearing it, the effect was lost somewhat.

"Dammit Dahlia! Do you know how rude it is to leave without exchanging salutations? It's just not the proper thing to do!" Harry said with an upper class accent, and a rare insight into the social workings of aristocrats. With a monosyllabic grunt of discontent, he examined the area once more. He found a brochure saying: _Alchemilla hospital- with free yearly checkups and very attractive nurses named Lisa and..err..Jane? Fine, there's only one nurse, but she's still very attractive, and that's why we're first choice for all Silent hill's medical care. In fact in a recent poll, 100% of Silent Hill's residents chose Alchemilla over Brookhaven, purely because the staff aren't attractive enough. Would a hospital that cares employ ugly people? NO THEY WOULDN'T DAMMIT! _Pocketing the brochure his attention fell once again on the pyramidal bird cage.

"Well, what have we here?" The parrot gave him a look that clearly said 'what the hell are you talking about you four legged goat-pleaser with a strong case of mental retardation and possibly genital herpes? If I wasn't nailed to these bars I would muscle up to them and rip them apart with my mighty beak of steel before rending apart your flesh piece by piece whilst you were helpless to do anything but scream at the sheer pain and torture I was inflicting upon you, foul demon of the deepest reaches of hell!'

Yes, he said that all with one look. Because apparently looks are very effective.

Anyway, the parrot didn't verbalise any of these thoughts, instead choosing to comment on the most obvious annoyance: "Nice accent, loser."

"Hey you can talk!" Harry said, leaning back in surprise.

"No, actually I can't. In fact, this is just a very vivid daydream you're having and in reality I'm just sitting in my cage, not talking."

"Oh, fair enough."

The parrot pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance, opening his beak to speak again before-

"Hey! Parrots can't pinch the bridge of their noses! They don't have fingers!" The parrot growled, if that was possible.

"Do you just choose what you do and do not know for maximum annoyance of everyone?"

"..huh?"

"I'll just take that as a yes."

"You do that not-talking birdie. Now I have to go to Alchemilla hospital, because they care!" he said skipping once more into the oppressive fog with his newfound companion.

"You only want a bit of that nurse" grumbled the parrot.

"Of course, isn't that what brothels are all about?" The Parrot began repeatedly bashing his head into the cage.

*

Kaufmann liked to be thought of as highly intelligent, very respectable, and most of all _grounded_. He was doctor of the best hospital in Silent Hill and not a man who was not involved in any matter of strange occurrences. And, as he maintained to the press, that included that sexual harassment cases from that foxy nurse and the investigation of a burned girl. And the incident with the bag of PCP in his locker. And the Bank robbery. And Insurance fraud. And three accounts of GBH.

Yes, indeed, there were many allegations against him. He smiled as he examined the file contained the most recent one: It mentioned something about drug dealership and hookerism. Yes, they weren't even words, but there they were in an official police report. They were probably drunk when they wrote it. That's why he loved Silent Hill – it was practically lawless. And the best part was no one could stop him unless they called for reinforcements. And that would never happen. He started to chuckle, this increasing in intensity until it became a laugh and further increasing until it became a stock evil villain laugh. Unnoticed by him, Dahlia came through the door and began laughing as well. Then Kaufmann took notice.

"What the hell? You can't do it nearly as awesome as me, so don't even try!" said Kaufmann said, reaching over and slapping her in the face.

"Hey, don't forget who's witting your checks, pimp! Anyway, I came here to tell you that the police have called for reinforcements." Upon hearing this Kaufmann went white, fell down on his knees and screamed "nooOOOOoOoOoOoo00000-"

"Oh calm down, it's not that bad. It just means you'll have to be careful."

"Careful isn't it my vocabulary, bitch! Man this is worse than when you got drunk and decided to take of all your clothes."

Dahlia chuckled "Ahhh Good times."

"No they weren't, they were shit. I lost my eyesight for three weeks."

"Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it." She said and tried to kiss him.

"Eww!" Cried Kaufmann, dodging the advance "What are you, in heat? Get away from me woman!" He ran out of the room, shuddering. He went to his office and took an file labelled "Mission Objectives". It read:

**Be Awesome**

**Feed Snuggles**

**Smack Lisa**

**Deny Charges**

He then scribbled another objective, which read:

**KILL DAHLIA! **

He then put down his pen, eyed the spot on the wall where he thought the camera was ominously and returned to laughing maniacally. After a while he got bored though, so he went to smoke some crack.

*

Don't you find it annoying that the personality of every protagonist in a Silent Hill Humour fic are exactly the same? I do, and that's why I thank the The lord for Kaufmann.


End file.
